Satellite Tv
by winged gorganzola
Summary: Kakashi has satellite tv. Sakura wants to blackmail him. Pure crack. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the other characters in this story. I wish I did, but sadly, no such thing has happened.

"Blah blah blah" -speech

_Blah blah blah -thoughts_

**Blah blah blah -inner self speaking**

------------------------change in POV**  
**

Satellite TV

Kakashi Hatake had just put down his favorite book, Icha Icha Paradise. It was time for his cooking show.

He turned on the TV to channel 28, and a plump, smiling woman appeared on the screen. She was chopping carrots. A large mixing bowl sat on the counter next to her. She was making her specialty ham, with biscuits, gravy, and carrots on the side.

He loved this episode.

Several feet away, a pink-haired kunoichi was spying on him. Sasuke would never notice her unless she did something big. So what better way to get his attention than to blackmail Kakashi-sensei?

She had to do this.

--------------------------------

Meanwhile, Sasuke was at his manor, munching on a tomato. It was so easy to get his teammate to bend to his will. All he had to do was say "hi" and she practically threw herself at him.

Oh how he loved being manipulative.

Blackmail. What a horrible, cruel idea. He liked it. But when the rosette returned, her only news was that of a cooking show.

And satellite TV.

He was starting to form an idea.

------------------------------------------

"But Sakura-chan! You promised me ramen!"

"Pipe down, Naruto! Sasuke's never going to notice me unless I do this right! Please, Naruto?" she begged. "Just for me?" Those insanely huge eyes no one can resist were back. She really wanted to do this.

Poor Naruto. He really didn't have much of a choice.

The cherry blossom ninja left to seek her crush.

--------------------------------------------

The screen was messing up again. That meant he had to go fix the dish. It was always doing this to him. Kami, he was Kakashi! The famous copy nin! This shouldn't be happening to him! This was for lesser shinobi, like Genma, or perhaps Iruka. The little dolphin man was constantly asking him to watch the Academy students. The least the guy could do was fix his TV.

This was Sakura's chance. She had gone to Sasuke, and he said a cooking show wasn't enough. They needed something bigger. She was sent out again. Why did she do this every day?

While Kakashi was pounding on his small television set, yelling at it to work, Sakura leapt to the roof. Spying was just so much easier from above.

---------------------------------------------

When they had just started out as genins, they had tried to take the bells from him. They had failed. Just last week they had tried to see what was under his mask. They had failed.

Today, Sasuke told the pink-headed twelve-year-old to get some dirt on Kakashi. They had to get him somehow! He wondered vaguely why he had rejected the little pinkette so many times. She really was quite sweet.

Or _was _she? Was it all just some clever plot to get on his good side? So that she might kill him in his sleep? What did she want?

**She wants **_**you.**_ His inner self reasoned.

_Me? Why? Can't be my strength, she never comments on it. It can't be my face. I've stared into the mirror so many times. I don't know what they see in it. What could she be planning?_

**Hmm, let me see. Almost every girl in the village wants to get in your pants. Why? They all find you quite attractive. You don't know what they see in you when you look in the mirror. Why? You smashed the mirror when you met Ino.**

_Shut up._

**You just told yourself to shut up. **

_Go away._

**Oh, I'm **_**so**_** scared. **

_I hate you intensely._

**You hate yourself?**

Sasuke tried to block out the voice. He failed miserably, and was forced to listen to it all day. A thousand Narutos couldn't be more annoying.

"GET OUT! GET AWAY FROM ME! STOP TALKING TO ME!" he eventually screamed at it. Unfortunately, said scream could not be contained in his mind.

-------------------------------------

"STOP TALKING TO ME!"

"Huh?" Gaara wondered why he had heard that voice. It sounded like that Uchiha boy whose ass he kicked all those months ago.

Could it really be the same person? Was he here, in Suna?

**Peace, little one,** said Shukaku.

_What do you want now?_

**Let me see, besides your sister? Some beef, some chicken a pizza—**

_Shukaku, be specific._

**Besides your sister? Some beef, some chicken, a pizza…**

"Ugh," he said out loud. Maybe he should go beat Sasuke's pansy ass again. Yes. That was a good idea. That was a very, very good idea.

To Konoha, it is, then!

----------------------------------

She had been watching him like this for hours. She had barely stopped for food. Her stomach was growling from being ignored. Suddenly she heard a noise, like soft dirt being shifted around.

Or soft sand.

"Crap."

Gaara's sand was pouring from the gourd on his back. His shadow loomed over the ground and spilled onto her own pale form.

"Gaara?" she asked. It is always nice to make sure you know who you're talking to, even if they look like they're about to kill you.

"Where is the Uchiha?" he growled.

"I…um..."

"_Where is he?"_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

-------------------------------------

"Sakura?"

He looked up from staring at the wall at his teammate's scream. Even if she was always stalking him, he should at least make sure she was safe.

And then he would tie her to one of the wooden posts by the bridge.

And interrogate her mercilessly until he found out why she was constantly clinging to him. And what it meant when someone wanted to "get in your pants"

He started off toward the sound only to find himself face to face with Subaku no Gaara, who was standing over her bruised body. Damn it! He wanted to do that!

--------------------------------------------

The Uchiha had just run out in front of him. He didn't even think that trick would work! What had happened to running away from the pink-kunoichi? What happened to avoiding her at all costs? Surely he hadn't changed that much?

"Uchiha" he stated.

"Freak" came the chicken-head's reply.

"Honestly, I thought little chicken-ass-haired emo boys didn't care about girls like her."

"I have my own reasons."

"You still don't know what it means, do you?"

"SHUT UP!"

And to think. It had been eight whole months since the chuunin exams, and poor ickle Sasuke still didn't know what "getting in someone's pants" meant.

Idiot.

---------------------------------

_Huh? Wha? Where am I—is that Gaara? Why is he standing over me like that? Whoa. This is a rather….enlightening…..view…of Gaara's ass. He has a nice ass._

**Yeah. He does.**

_Shut up, you!_

**You just told yourself to shut up.**

_Go away._

**I can't. I live here. In our head.**

_Stop talking to me!_

**I'm not talking. I'm thinking. You know, you really should stop talking to yourself.**

_I said SHUT UP!_

**You just told yourself to shut up. Again.**

_Get out of my head._

**Nah. I don't really feel like it.**

_Egh._

**Just shut up and let me stare at his ass already! I'm kind of enjoying the view.**

_Well, aren't we faithful to Sasuke?_

**Just because we like him doesn't mean I can't like Gaara's ass. I mean, he's practically standing over us! He's almost begging for us to look! Oh, my! I didn't know Gaara wore red boxers!**

_Huh? Let me see!_

**I told you so. Anyway, there's a big hole in his pants. Which I'd like to get in, by the way—**

_Get to the point._

**He's got a big hole right where his penis is. Ooh, I wonder what would happen if he decided not to where underpants today?**

**------------------------------------------------- **

Sakura seemed to have woken from her unconscious state. Good. He didn't want to have to wait for her to wake up before he started questioning her.

"Hn" he grunted in reply to Gaara's insult. He was not emo! And he did not have chicken-ass hair!

"On second thought," said Gaara as if reading his mind, "it looks more like a cockatoo than a chicken."

Oh how he hated that man. Wait. Was Sakura staring at Gaara's ass? Was this an assassination attempt? Maybe he should just leave the two of them alone. He didn't want to interfere with her mission.

--------------------------------------

Kakashi was fixing the satellite dish on his roof when he heard the sound of cheesy banter was heard. He could pick out Sasuke's denial of being an emo chicken-head, though really it looked more like a cockatoo ass than a chicken's, and—was that Gaara?

The famous copy-nin strained his ears toward the sound.

"—atoo than a chicken."

"SHUT UP!!!!"

Idiots. Hey! The TV was working again! Success!

------------------------------------

Sakura stopped thinking and staring at the hot ass in front of her long enough to get up and walk away. She had work to do, damn it!

Right. So Kakashi liked cooking shows. And probably cheesy exercise videos. And he had a satellite on top of his roof.

Shannaroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

She got there in record time. Sasuke and Gaara were left in total bewilderment.

------------------------------------------

So she wasn't there to kill Gaara?

-----------------------------------------

Finally. She had stopped staring at his ass.

-----------------------------------------------

She hooked up some of the wires she had used to spy on him. She adjusted the headset so that she could hear what show he was watching. She crossed the wires so she could screw around with it.

"And now we're back to…..BARNEY!"

"Hey kids!" she started. She was going to fake this as much as possible. She even had a camera outside her sensei's window. "Let's all sing the Barney song! I hate you, you hate me, I'm gonna kill your family."

"Yay! Barney!" whoa. Kakashi was creepy.

"And now…..let's exercise! Time to touch our toes! And one and two and one and two."

"And one and two and two and one and two!" Kakashi was so going to die for making her do this.

"And today, we're going to learn how to sing! Now, everybody repeat after me: if you're happy and you know it clap your hands…."

CLAP!

"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands…"

CLAP!

She was starting to enjoy this. "If you're happy and you know it and you really wanna show it, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!"

CLAP CLAP!

"If you're a creeper and you know it do the monkey…"

DANCE!

This was suddenly very, very fun.

It was about two hours before she got sufficient footage. Plus, she was getting tired of standing on a hot roof all day. She wondered vaguely if Sasuke and Gaara were done fighting yet.

-----------------------------------------

They had been standing there doing nothing for two hours now. Where the hell was Sakura? Gaara wasn't exactly the most interesting person to stare at after your favorite punching bag just got up and walked away.

Where the hell was she?

He needed to ask her what "getting in someone's pants" meant, damn it!

About ten seconds after that thought a very pink head came bobbing toward him. Wait. Bobbing? Since when did heads bob?

At least this strange floating head had a body attached to it. A rather nice one, too.

**That's Sakura, you twit.**

_It is? Damn! She's ho—I mean uh….Hn._

**Pansy.**

_I am not a pansy!_

**Yes you are. You're paranoid, afraid of anything female, you think Haku wanted to rape you, and you run away screaming from the most harmless ninja in the village. You are, in short, a pansy.**

_I hate you._

**You hate yourself twice in one day? Well, **_**someone's**_** being emo.**

_Really? Who might that be? I want to laugh in their face!_

**You really are hopeless, you know that?**

_Get out of my head. Oh crud! She's coming closer! She's got something in her hand that has a lot of wires! She must be trying to kill me again!_

**3…2…1…**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Sasuke! Guess what! I got Kakashi on camera! I taped him dancing and watching Barney! And then I messed with his workout video! I had him screaming 'ama loopay notchab' at the top of his lungs! Why are you screaming? Why are you running away? What's that scared look in your eye for? Come watch this video, damn it!"

Crud. She had him there. Stupid abnormally large eyes.

----------------------------------------

**Well, **_**someone's**_** being a pansy ass emo chicken-head today.**

_Sasuke is not a pansy ass emo chicken-head!_

**You're right. Now that I think about it, it looks more like a cockatoo ass than a chicken's.**

_Yeah. It is kind of feathery._

**Got that right.**

_I'm Sakura! I'm always right!_

**If that's what you've got to keep telling yourself…**

They watched the movie. It was hilarious. They even got Neji to watch it with them, and he made some copies so he could watch it with TenTen when they got bored. Plus, he could sell this thing.

"So, Sasuke," said a shy Sakura after a long silent pause, "what did you think?"

"Hn."

Same old pansy ass Sasuke. He would've run by now if not for the chakra ropes tying him down. Damn Tsunade and her training.

Might as well ask her now…

"Sakura?"

"Hm?"

"Just out of curiosity, not that I don't know or anything, cause…I do…, and I'm just testing you to see if you know as well…not that I care….but…what does it mean when someone wants to get in your pants?"

Sakura turned beet red. Naruto burst out laughing. She hit him on the head and he went unconscious.

"Well, Sasuke, it means…well..."

Damn her and her shyness. He wanted his answer now!

"Well?"

"It—it means they want to have sex with you!" she blurted. Now was that so hard? All he wanted was some information.

He, unfortunately, turned even redder than his female companion/punching bag. He now looked like a tomato.

"Wh—why do you ask?"

"Just testing you," he lied. Couldn't he come up with anything better than that? What was wrong with him today?

**Smooth,** said his inner self, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Really? Well, okay. Whatever you want to do, Sasuke!"

Twit.

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(**AN**)---I know, it sucked, but hey, it's my first fic, so deal with it. Flames welcome.

And yes, I know they were horribly out of character and and the time is kind of vague. Well it's sometime after Tsunade took over as Hokage and sometime before Sasuke left to join Orochimaru.

Behold, my fanfic.

Special thanks to my TV and to Diana for telling me to write this. It was a very raisiny idea.

Yours truly,

Winged Gorganzola


End file.
